Over the last three years, my work environment, as for most people, has changed. I now work the majority of time from home. At first, working from home sounded great. No commute, I could stay in my pajamas all day, and I didn’t have to worry about being late or trying to squeeze life admin into my lunch breaks. I’d have all the time after work to do those things, especially with time saved not commuting.

However, these past three years have also coincided with my worst PMDD. As my PMDD descended each luteal phase, I’d struggle with feeling insecure, suicidal ideation, a drop in confidence, lack of motivation, and ruminating. My PMDD is invisible. All my dark thoughts and self-hatred are trapped in my head. I have no visible scars to show, but that does not mean my thoughts don’t feel real.

And, of course, PMDD affected me at work. Work had always been a safe place for me, but not anymore. I was struggling and spiraling. This showed in the tone of my emails and relationships. I felt lonely and a lack of connection with my coworkers since we weren’t in the same office. I felt like my team didn’t understand what I was going through with PMDD, and I had trouble communicating what I needed for support. Every month, I was picking up the pieces and unable to put them all back together once my period started.

There was also no break from the thoughts as my work and home life had merged. I did not recognise myself and was becoming a person I did not want to be.

I was unsure how to manage things at work anymore. All my coping mechanisms for work were gone, such as my commute, which allowed me to wind down between work and home. I also missed connecting with people at my office. I had no idea what a difference chatting with someone could make to drag me out of my head until I was alone working at home.

I felt like I needed to leave the job for my well-being and recovery, but I was in a cycle of feeling little self-worth and had no confidence to go. I felt strangely more safe being uncomfortable and staying. I did apply for some jobs, but I was rejected. This was tough and took another blow to my self-belief.

Through these challenging years with work and PMDD, I started to figure out how to make work work again. I realized I had to look outside work to rebuild my confidence and support myself. I started seeing a counsellor again, going to coaching, starting dancing and pilates, and learning a language. I also reconnected with friends after COVID-19 and opened up more about my struggles. There were moments when this did not work and I felt worse, but it also helped give me a new perspective and push me out of my comfort zone. I now have closer friends who have become my cheerleaders through hard times.

Working from home and going through this has helped me fully acknowledge the impact of PMDD on my career and working relationships. Why, at certain times of the month, I dreaded sending or reading emails, however small the subject, and struggled with other seemingly simple tasks. I realise now that PMDD had invisibly held me back in my career because I would define myself by the worst moments during my luteal stage and never feeling good enough. Awareness has made such a difference. I also now know what I need in a job to support me with my PMDD: a commute, consistent workload, and feeling part of a team, connection.

In these past years, I’ve learnt more about my cycle and where my symptoms are at their worst in the luteal stage. I also joined the women’s network at work as I realised more education is needed about PMDD in the workplace and should be rightly championed alongside other women’s issues like menopause.

I started having hope, seeing options for the future, and acceptance. Acceptance has been tough and complex, and I have oscillated, but I finally feel like myself again. I’m doing things I enjoy and feel happier. I have a new and different confidence and sense of self-worth. I have an inner confidence now that I never really had before, a feeling that I can do this and I am good enough.

It is still a learning experience at work. There are moments when PMDD still hits me, but I know I can come through it even when it feels severe. I am challenging myself, and sometimes I have to face my fears even in the midst of PMDD, such as reading that email - it can be okay.

I’ve reflected and recognised I could have managed work differently. I now have learnt to protect myself and say no to things, especially during the luteal stage, as I recognise it will do me more harm than good.

I would rarely use the word resilience to describe myself and prefer perseverance. I have persevered over the last few years and pushed myself when I was at my worst, and it has led to……

A promotion! I enjoy my new job and feel much happier and excited about the challenge. I have the strength and belief to know I will do well in it. I’ve got this.

I definitely did not think last year or even nine months ago that I would submit a blog post or even want to write about my experience. Now, I want to become a PMDD coach to help others. I feel I have choices and know more about what I want in my career and myself. It may take me a while to get there, but I have hope.

MEET KATHARINE

I have lived with PMDD for 13 years. I would like to become a PMDD coach and support people who live with PMDD. If I can give hope or make a difference to someone living with PMDD, then I have achieved.